Give her a hand

Your best friend or sister just performed a miraculous feat…she gave birth! Yea, let’s all give her a hand!! No really, I mean let’s give her a hand…a helping hand. Because all new moms (unless they have a full time nanny and maid staff) need help. Your friend will soon realize that her newborn needs constant care, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Needless to say, in a 24/7 clock, it’s hard to squeeze in time for the kinds of activities that keep a woman sane, like walking, getting her hair done or taking a yoga class, not to mention, showering, eating and sleeping! After I gave birth to twins I quickly realized, both from personal experience and witnessing other new moms around me, that many new moms are stressed, overwhelmed and under supported. And, we all know that stress, exhaustion and lack of support, negatively impact a mother’s ability to parent. It is true that a relaxed, joyful and supported mom is a better mom who raises happier children. Now, you’re a good friend and you want your friend to be relaxed and well-adjusted (if only for the kid’s sake.) And well…I know you don’t need a “What’s-in-it-for-me?” reason, but here it is anyway; if you give her the help she needs, she’ll think you’re a hero and be indebted to you forever. There I’ve said it. So, let’s say you’re on board for helping her out. But, you haven’t had a baby yet, or it’s been a real long time since you did, and you don’t really know how to offer your support. Also, you may be afraid that if you pose the “Hey, how can I help?” question to your friend, she’ll probably tell you she’s got it all under control. Yes, mothers are notoriously hesitant to ask for help – except of course from their mom (but that’s always a double edged sword isn’t it?). Generally, new moms want to give the impression that they can do this baby-thing by themselves with one hand tied behind their back. It’s a weird sort of “mommy machismo.” So, how do you – the best friend or sister – work around her natural resistance in asking for help? Well, you do it by simply jumping in there with specific action. What specific action? Glad you asked. Below I’ve listed nineteen specific suggestions for giving her the support she’s inwardly screaming for. Which activities you choose to do will obviously be determined by how close you are with the new mom, and how much time you have available. So here they are: 1. Call her up and tell her what a great mom you think she is. Tell her that her baby “picked the lucky card” to have her as a mom. Let her know what an amazing job she’s doing balancing baby care with whatever else she’s got going (whether it be work, other children, husband, social or community responsibilities). 2. Are you worried about disturbing her with a ringing phone, just in case she has found that 20 minutes to rest while her baby is napping? If so, send her an e-mail instead listing several things you find terrific about her. 3. Really want to look like a hero? Then offer to help her out with a time jam. Suggest perhaps picking up her other kids from school, taking over a project she no longer has time for, or being her proxy at a meeting or an event. 4. Tell her you’ll run an errand for her. Offer to pick up the laundry for her, or go grocery shopping for her. 5. If things are bothering her, encourage her to get it all off her chest. Listen to her unconditionally while she vents. Just nod your head and don’t say a thing until she’s done. She’ll feel much better. 6. Also, new moms love to brag about their children. “Oh, you won’t believe what Brooke did this morning. She rolled over all by herself! She’s so far ahead of schedule. We think she may be gifted.” Just listen and smile. 7. Tell her you want to come over and “spell” her for 20 minutes so she can lie down and rest. Even twenty minutes can be so rejuvenating. 8. Bring her a meal one evening. If you’ve got the time and inclination, make it yourself. If not, call a really good take-out place and have it delivered to her door. 9. Stay-at-home moms, in particular, get so used to talking in that “baby talk” voice; they need some time around adults to bring their vocal quality back down to a human level. Offer to take her out for coffee and “grown-up” conversation. 10. If you haven’t had a baby, you can’t imagine how little things that appear so simple can be so helpful and mean so much to your friend. For instance, while you are visiting with her, you witness her baby dropping the pacifier yet again. You, the hero, pick it up, wash it off and hand it back to mommy. Or, you take it upon yourself to wash the baby bottle when it’s finished. Wow. 11. When she’s ready, offer to go for an aerobic walk with her. And, when you reach an incline, offer to take the stroller and push it up the hill. Do it regularly and she’ll get into shape quickly and start feeling much better about herself. 12. Along those lines, when’s the last time your friend got to the gym or a yoga class? If you belong to one, offer to take her as your guest. Many gyms now have a babysitting service while you work out. 13. Next time you go to the bookstore or library, pick up a book for her. Just make sure it’s not another “How to Take Care of Baby” book. I guarantee she’s got plenty of those. How about some fun escapist fiction? 14. While you are visiting the new mom at her house, step into the kitchen and start washing her dishes or wiping off sticky countertops or the floor. Don’t ask her, she won’t accept. Just do it. 15. Can Daddy watch the baby some night for a couple of hours? Suggest he baby-sit, then take her out to a movie. Or, how about shopping? Just remember to assure her that she’ll soon fit into those cute outfits she’s eying. 16. Women’s feet take a lot of abuse during pregnancy. It’s weird, but they usually grow a size or more and get really scruffy looking. How about offering to pamper her by giving her a pedicure…or, the gift of one at nice local spa? 17. Let’s not overlook the most basic of all...tell her you love her. Call her, e-mail her, or write her a card and tell her you love her. That’s it. Simply, you love her. 18. And now…the piece de resistance: offer to baby-sit for an evening! Let her go out with her hubby so they can re-discover each other. Most marriages become slightly compromised when a baby comes into the picture. 19. Finally, you know your friend best. What would put a smile on her face? What could you do to lighten her load and let her breathe for a bit? Think about it, then do it. Don’t wait too long. Those little infants grow into big kids faster than you can keep track. Most of these suggestions are so simple, but they can help shift a new mom’s stress into a more relaxed and joyful parenting experience. As a mom and an entrepreneur, I thought it might be fun to put all these ideas into a coupon gift booklet that friends and family could give as a gift to the new mom. Not only would the recipient feel supported and understood, but it would be handy and practical as well. She could tear out and cash in whichever coupons she felt comfortable redeeming. I wanted to make it cute, whimsical and fun so that the new mom would find it easy to ask for support. So I created it. The New Mommy Coupon Book, Or 28 Ways to Help Her Get Through The Day is available now through Colorful Images Catalog and at my website listed below.

Discipline versus punishment

Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline. Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the things they want without breaking the rules. However, when parents are only interested in compliance, they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead thinking about how unfair their parent is. Punishment generally teaches children to become better at not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior. All behavior is purposeful. We don’t engage in behavior—responsible or not—for no reason. Everything a person does is that person’s best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally “bad.” The “bad” behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have, which is why they do it. Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the parent doesn’t approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further, making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate ways of meeting their freedom need. For example, if the child is grounded for being with people the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control. The interesting thing about control is that we really don’t have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really don’t know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what happens when the grounding is lifted? Instead of punishing, let’s look at what it might be like to teach self-discipline instead. Let’s say your child has a habit of not abiding by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction. What do you think would happen if you had a different conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time. If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldn’t it make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the agreed upon time. Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew. There are several solutions for every situation and remember every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their lives. When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able to take care of themselves. After all, isn’t that what you REALLY want?

8 Reasons why your child hates reading

: Are you troubled by your child's disinterest in reading? Maybe you have a young child just learning to read. You try to encourage the learning by reading together. However, each reading session is a struggle. Your child shuns it like a hated vegetable . Or maybe your child can already read, but just doesn't want to. They even tell you straight in your face, "I hate reading." How did it come to this? Why does your child dislike reading? Basically, it comes down to one thing: the love for reading was never ignited or have been extinguished. Here are 8 ways to kill a child's love for reading: 1. Reading sessions are more like drilling sessions. Don't quiz and test children when reading. It's ok to point things out and ask questions to promote thinking but make sure it stays FUN. Don't turn it into a pressurized teaching session. Yes, you hope that they learn something from the reading but don't make that your main objective. Read to enjoy the story. Learning usually takes place when the teaching is not so obvious.

2. Television, video and computer games takes center stage when it comes to relaxation and entertainment. These strongly distracts children from reading. There needs to be a limit to these activities if you want to convince them that books can be entertaining too. 3. Reading books that are too difficult for their reading level. It is very discouraging for children to open a book and not know how to read many of the words. Where is the joy when you struggle to get through a page? Know your child's reading ability and get books appropriate to their level.

4. Reading sessions turn into screaming and put down sessions. Parents need to hold realistic expectations of their children. Control frustrations when children don't excel as fast as you wish they would. Watch your tongue and avoid derogatory remarks such as "Can't you remember that word, we just read it," or "I've told you many times already. What's wrong with you?" 5. Reading books that are of no interest to them. How do children regard these books?

BORING! To a young boy, reading a book on dinosaurs may be more captivating than reading a book about Dick and Jane. Draw your teenagers into reading with books that they can relate too. I know when I was that age I was game for books on love, romance, and friendship. Capitalize on your child's hobbies and interests.

6. Forced reading. for older children, sometimes homework is in the form of assigned readings. Usually a report has to be handed in at the end. Although this is done under good intentions, it is easy for a child to regard reading as a chore to be done. Very likely too, the assigned reading is not of their choice and therefore, not of their liking. Reading in this situation is like dragging feet in the mud. 7. Peer pressure. This is another factor that affects older children.

Kids can be cruel with their branding and teasing. The term "nerds" and "geeks" are usually thrown at those that indulge in books. Your child may very well choose to shun books just to fit in and be one of the "cool kids." 8. Limiting what children read. Imagine if you loved sci-fi books but was told you could only read classics. What a damper that would be for you right?

Be open to what your child wants to read. You may think your child has moved passed picture books but he wants it anyway. Let him. Or you may think reading comic books have less educational value then reading well known novels. Remember, it's a book in their hands nonetheless. So, whether it be fiction, non-fiction, picture books, comic books, magazines etc... be supportive.

You want to get your child reading, you have to first show that it is fun and enjoyable. Don't push too hard to get your child to learn to read or read to learn. Only when there is love for reading can the learning begin.